Personal Stress Relief from Economic, Environmental Issues
To all the Dad’s out there… hilarious measure of a Father’s logic on babies…
Spread the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.
Author Unknown
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
(Reprinted from an email with no credit available to the author. Please let me know who you are so I can thank you!)
Is there an imaginary cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there some wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head and I asked, “When do you stop worrying?”
The nurse said, “When they get out of the accident stage.”
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said, “Don’t worry, they all go through this stage, then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.”
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, and the front door to open.
A friend said, “They’re trying to find themselves. Don’t worry! In a few years, they’ll be adults. They’ll be off on their own, they’ll be out of your hair.”
By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. Even though they were on their own I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointment, and there was nothing I could do about it.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe.
My friends said that when I became a grandparent I would get to enjoy the happy little voices yelling “Grandma! Papa!”
But now I find I worry just as much about the little kids as the big ones. How can anyone cope with all this worry? Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse, or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of earthly creation?
Recently, one of my own children became quite irritable, saying to me, “Where were you? I’ve been calling for three days and no one answered. I was worried!”
I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
A minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into
four separate jars..
The first worm was put into a container
of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of
chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of
good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the
Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service.
Another fun email:
THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetable while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on you veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life ~ WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, us the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got and electrical problem.
Author Unknown
I received these in an email and thought they were cute enough to share.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT!!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I said, ” remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in you butt?”
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of “Chicken Little” to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling!” The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Author Unknown
This is a little off color, but cute…..
Stan goes to visit his 85 year old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. The nurses really take care of me.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep ok?”
“No problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet…and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
“What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
Author Unknown
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight
or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last
Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask, “How are you?” do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last
Ever told your child, we’ll do it tomorrow
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die
’cause you never had time to call and say “Hi”?
You better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through you day
it is like an unopened gift…thrown away.
Life is not a race
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
Author
David L. Weatherford
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects the offer with a “No, thanks.”
“Well, what would you like for our anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planing to spend that much,” says John.
Just received this in an email:
Thought for the day:
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together
it spells “THEIRS“?
I enjoy this every time I read it. Although it’s been around the block a few times, I thought I’d post it.
This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. This is from a taped conversation.
“Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does you screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in Word Perfect or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor. I told you it won’t accept anything I type!”
“Does you monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV”
“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“……..Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes, the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power…A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them and unplug you system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Than take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them that you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
Author Unknown
I just received this in an email and couldn’t resist posting it. It made me laugh, perhaps because I’m blonde.
Pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center,
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever
puppy had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there.
I got out of my car and as I walked backwards towards the curb,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay
Do you hear me?”
Stay……Stay
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde young lady, gave me
a strange look, and leaning out of her car window said,
“Why don’t you just put it in park!”
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.” St. Peter said, “You can enter.”
The second doctor said, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves.” St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, “I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost effective health care.” St. Peter said, “You can come in too.”
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, “You can stay three days. After that you can go to hell.
I‘ve learned… that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I‘ve learned… that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I‘ve learned… that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I‘ve learned… that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I‘ve learned… that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I‘ve learned… that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I‘ve learned… that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I‘ve learned… that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I‘ve learned… that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I‘ve learned… that you can keep going long after you thought you couldn’t.
I‘ve learned… that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I‘ve learned… that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I‘ve learned… that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I‘ve learned… that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I‘ve learned… that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I‘ve learned… that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the the best times.
I‘ve learned… that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I‘ve learned… that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I‘ve learned… that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I‘ve learned… that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I‘ve learned… that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I‘ve learned… that you should never tell a child their dream are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what as tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I‘ve learned… that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take of you and love you teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I‘ve learned… that now matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I‘ve learned… that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I‘ve learned… that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I‘ve learned… that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I‘ve learned… that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I‘ve learned… that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I‘ve learned… that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I‘ve learned… that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I‘ve learned… that no matter how you try to protect you children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I‘ve learned… that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
I‘ve learned… that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I‘ve learned… that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I‘ve learned… that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I‘ve learned… that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
Author Unknown
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, its’ popularity remains.
Atheism is a non-”prophet” organization.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
One day a rich father took his son on a trip to the country with the purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family.
When they returned back from their trip the father asked his son, “How did you enjoy the trip? Did you see how poor people can be?”
The son replied, “Yes, I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.”
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, “Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!”
Memories are made of things that happen everyday,
Moments as we live them, things we do and say.
Little bits and pieces of laughter mixed with tears,
Paragraphs and pages written through the years.
The friendships we remember, mistakes that we regret.
The endings of a love, we never could forget.
We can’t erase the sadness, or edit out the tears,
We can’t undo the wrong, we can’t relive the years.
But, since memories keep building, each day can be the start,
Of making new and happy ones, to store within the heart.
The most important six words:
“I admit I made a mistake”
The most important five words:
“I am proud of you”
The most important four words:
“What is your opinion”
The most important three words:
“If you please”
The most important two words:
“Thank you”
The most important word:
“We”
The least important word:
“I”
