Spank, Shout, Commmunicate
I just read this article today “For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking” that was posted on NY Times.com and tweeted by PierrePaperon. Personally I find it very sad that parents actually feel restricted in how they can discipline their children. Unless there is a parallel universe that I don’t know about, the controversy about spanking children has created even more problem children. Are the people that are claiming that spanking is detrimental not seeing what the rest of us see? Has anyone met their children? The article states that yelling is the new spanking, in my opinion they work in unison. My assumption is that if parents are made to feel that spanking is a bad thing they will refrain from it, but who is to be the judge, history or what “doctors” say? Am I the only one that sees a negative change in today’s generation? The people who will refrain from hitting their children are not the ones who had caused the controversy. Who doesn’t understand that the people that abuse their children by hitting them and using physical force are not “Normal” and they will continue to do it anyway. I suppose there might be a fine line.
I can tell you this, I spent many a day with my mother’s five finger mark on my arm. I can not tell you what any of the circumstances were, but I can tell you this; whatever lesson was to be learned, I learned it quickly. AND, I survived. I knew well the taste of Ivory Soap, which is why on one occasion my sister and ran into the bathroom to rub Dove Soap against our teeth instead. You can rest assured that whatever we had said, we did not repeat, (at least not in mom’s presence). AND, we survived. Mom was a tough disciplinarian. We didn’t get everything we wanted, we learned the word “NO” very early on, and accepted it and we learned that if we didn’t give our elders respect we were in a heap of trouble. AND ya know what, we survived. I have three siblings, normal as normal can be. We are not aggressive, angry or abusive people. We are all well adjusted, respectful, nice people with compassionate and caring hearts. Hmmm and we were hit!
I am the biological mom of two boys and step-mom to three girls and a boy. Of course, boys will be boys and my boys sometimes got out of hand. Sometimes they were irate. Sometimes they were at each other. Reasoning with a child that is being a child is not always the easiest thing to do because at times they are so out of the loop that they are beyond being talked to. I always found that the best way to awaken their senses was to give them a quick smack. I didn’t beat them, it wasn’t a continuous barrage of hitting, but when I smacked them, boy did I get their attention. That is when I would follow up with yelling. For the most part my yelling ultimately would send them to their respective rooms until we all calmed down. The critical aspect of all of this was that when we did calm down, either they or I would approach the other to discuss our confrontation. Communication is key! AND, never did we part without both apologizing and saying, “I love you.”
To clarify the apology, I tell you this. When either of us was wrong, we apologized for being wrong, but most of all I always apologized for my reaction and explained that it was out of frustration and that it never meant I didn’t love them.
For the record my boys are not aggressive, angry or abusive people. They are both well adjusted, respectful, nice people with compassionate and caring hearts. I often get compliments on what wonderful people they are and what a good job I did as a mother. Now at 25 and 22 years old, they are my best friends.
Parents today seem to think that they need to be friends with their children. I can tell you from experience that you need to be a parent first, friends comes later. My husband, a non-disciplinarian, will be the first to tell you that he made many mistakes. He wishes now that he had been a stronger parent and that he stood up to his children. He also wishes now that he actually spanked his children who have had a major array of problems through out the years, and still do. He always believed that he should stand down. he never wanted to piss them off, he wanted them to like him….he’s sorry now.
I truly believe that spanking and yelling at a child is not the issue. The issue actually is in the communication before, during and after.
Children need discipline and parents are responsible for teaching them. Unfortunately, because of the economic chaos in this country, people are stressing and both parents are working at least one job each. It is also unfortunate that because of these circumstances many parents are too stressed or tired to do what it necessary when their child needs to be disciplined. It’s a lot easier to say, “yes” than “no.” It’s a lot easier to let children get away with things because parents are too distracted by “life” as it is. The problem is not “spanking” vs “yelling.” The problem is that parents need to understand that children don’t come with a set directions, no one can tell you what’s right in bringing up your child. The most wonderful children come from parents who think with their heart.
